Following on from the best and worst purchases thread, how about some confessions of when you have said something and instantly wished you hadnt. The old " oh so when are you due?" ....and the chick isnt pregnant kinda thing.
My latest cracker -
Girl : " Hey, do you know this guy, Joe bloggs?"
Me : " nah, why? Did you get some jiggy jig on the weekend?"
Girl : " No, he died."
Awkward.
A friend who meets his girlfriend's parents for the first time at dinner.
The mum asks while serving the meal, "I hope you like it",
my friend to reply: "Oh you know, what I like is quantity, not quality..."
Awkward moment for everyone,
a good laugh for us later.
My favourite farkup. Done it twice. Beer talking.
In a room with mixed company I blurt
"Why the hell do chicks get tattoos. Ya not gunna make the female body look better covering it with ink. Bloody biological vandalism."
Then pretty much every women in the room yells "Oh!! I got a secret tatt on my arse, Does that mean I'm gross!!!!!!
Never been able to talk my way out of that one. One lady hasn't spoken to me for 5 years.
Just don't like tatts on chicks. Might be something to do with a bad experience I had as a teenager.
Scary thought. In 30 years old 1000's of old women will have tattoos and rap music will be the golden oldies.
Was reading the paper at morning tea break, saw in the obituraies a guy had passed away with the same name as one of my fellow workers. Mentioned to him that according to the paper he's dead, he replied it was his uncle.....doh!
Made the same tatts rave a few years back down the beach, 5 minutes later a mates wife turns up strips off and is covered in tatts...
Bloke says "so how long have you got to go"(meaning how long till the baby's born)
Chick says "i'm not pregnant"
Bloke thinks "####"
Have heard this cracker twice by both sexes, not a convo starter, never assume, wait to be told, they might just be fat.
Went back to hospital to visit my wife morning after our (first) child born. She had a great room by herself, bed next to the window with a view from high up. We were both pretty worn out after 2 day labour and being most of those 2 nights.
I say "Well at least he didn't rip you a new one..." and my wife gets a funny look and starts waving a bit, but I'm determined to finish my sentence ".. and he's got 10 fingers and toes, how great is that!". By now my wife is bouncing up and down on the bed waving her arms everywhere and moving her mouth quite a lot but no sound is coming out.. It's like watching someone trying to tell their deaf mate about the bear behind them.
Eventually I come to understand that the curtained off section of the room I'd blindly walked past on the way in contains another new mother. With a grade 4 tear from x to y. Who's child has some serious health issues. And who has spent the past 8 hours sobbing to herself about it.
Beyond awkward. 
This isn't hard. I still think about it 20 years later.
My friend's girlfriend turned up at a party and I said to her, why are you wearing a face mask, unaware of her skin condition.
I've done the prego sheila thing.
It goes like this.
"So when are you due ?"
"Actually, I gave birth last week"
Awkward. 
I walked into a potential clients house one day and they'd just had a new born few weeks old.
So me making conversation asked " is that your first?"
Reply.
"No we had a still birth last year"
I was just wishing the ground would swallow me up
Whilst we're on the subject of babies, and i swear this is true!
A mate of mine is a bit feral. After the birth of his first, he goes to the doc..."I'll give you a twenty if you whack an extra stitch in?" Obviously the doc had heard this one before...
In the surgery ward a couple of years later after the second he goes - "make it a fifty if you whack that extra stitch in this time?"
By this time his wife was getting a bit embarrassed about the comments.
They actually have 4 kids but I remember his wife telling me about the 3rd. After the birth, the doctor whom had the time over the years to get to know the mate decides to grow a sense of humour and asks..."I guess that you'll offer me 100 bucks this time if I whack that extra stitch in?"
To which my mate's wife swears his answer was -
"Na doc, this time you might as well sew the fkn thing up - I won't be going near it again!"
Walking into a room and saying "fk, who died?"
and yep, you guessed it
I think kiteboy davo wins . Mate I can just visualise it...
My mother in laws beloved dog died and she had it cremated,its ashes are in an urn.
She was telling me this during after dinner drinks.
What was the dogs name, I ask
Sooty , she replied.
I laughed ,tried to hide it, but then I had beer coming out my nose.
She was not amused.
On the upside she diddnt talk to me for nearly six months 
Leaving my ex- missus in her black bikini on a lonely beach at Narooma with her friend while my mate and I going spearfishing for an hour or two then coming back in and seeing a black bikini swim past and grabbing the owner on the tit. The owner of the tit kicking spluttering screaming obscenities at me like my husband will kill you etc. She was to traumatised for me to explain to her I thought she was my missus super awkward
...... you're in a swimming pool, swimming and you drop a big fart only to realise you've followed through.
Not that its happend to me
anyway got a good campfire story out of it
... when I realised that I criticized WAKSA for not seeking volunteers that were desperatley needed, by posting specifics in the forum...and then I saw that they actually had done just that!
www.seabreeze.com.au/forums/Kitesurfing/General/CALL-FOR-VOLUNTEERS/
But hey, the volunteers are still needed, I'm sure any volunteers from other water sports disciplines would be well appreciated!
If you've ever been kite-curious, lending a hand at any of the events would be a good insight.
anyway got a good campfire story out of it
I while back I was playing golf and at the bar with beers in hand I said,Cheers big ears and fk me the first guy I cheered had the biggest ears I've ever seen
Holiday in france, went out to a club with my best mate. Both trying to pick up a girl for the night (yes sooo wrong !).
Made a bet on the first of us that was going to pick up a chick.
I won,... there I was at the bar, new girlfriend in my arms, having fun of my mate, showing off.
Then I see the uggliest woman ever, tell my friend ": there you go, this one shouldn't be too hard for you, she's so ugly she probably hasn't had sex for the past 10 years !!"
Woman turns around and walks straight towards me !! No way she could've heard me with the loud music !
And the new grilfriend says " yes Mum ?"
I lost....
I started sleeping with the daughter of someone really powerful in my industry. Everyone knew his super hot model daughter and that she was out of bounds.
Me, being the idiot I am, started having a bit of fun with her and have her stay over at my place and keeping it all on the down low.
Anyway we both had those little Nokia phones (quite a few years ago - before we all had iPhones) and I woke up at about 5am in the morning to MY phone ringing on the bedside table (so I thought). She was happily asleep next to me after somewhat of a crazy night.
"hello?" I said
"Is that Mackerel?" asked the person on the other end. I immediately knew who it was and wondered if he was calling about his daughter.
"morning Frank, it's pretty early mate - what's up?"
He said "just wondering if you've seen my daughter?"
I said "na mate why would you ask me that?"
"well I just called her phone and you answered..."
Man did I freak.
Great thread. Boofy your story reminded me of one I was told, not me but was told 1st hand ie it was done by someone in the family of the story teller.
Guy from WA and his wife of the lovely long blond hair had been pranking each other for a while, building up a bit. They're at the supermarket, he comes round corner and sees wifey bent down grabbing some spaghetti with her head about waist height. He rushes up, spins round, grabs her head with one hand and holds it against his bum while dropping a big one.
Of course it wasn't actually his wife.
He runs off as she starts yelling, finds wife a few aisles over, says "drop the basket and meet me in the car NOW" and they head outta there at high speed.
They shop at a different shopping centre now
. I said oh that's a shame as i was hoping for a few extra stitches
