^In the words of Ford "...Slightly amusing..."
Tip four:
Survival.
It has been said that when the wife's friends come to stay any longer than three days, it can get a little trying. We don't spend that much time with our own families...so
1. On the day they arrive, have good booze in the fridge e.g Tui, Moet, Cloudy Bay, Pepper Jack. Set the tone. Same goes for food.
2. Have a joint an hour before they are due to arrive, put in some clear eyes, brush your teeth, have a shower - shave, clean ironed cloths, more clear eyes
"he's so chilled...xx" and the rest of the week, you have options...
3. On the first night, tell wonderful stories of 'men in gray suits', poor honeymoon couples of Julian Rocks and how great it is to surf dawn before the massive - fin chopping - kid crunching crowds turn up..... .... ..mention board repair costs too (this is where you get the wife on side during the de-faming)
4. Play on your child's routines...after dinner, setup the bean bags for the guests kids and yours, put on a great movie. She'll want cuddles - just like every other nite...
i just retreat to the man cave. with full amenities up there i can hide for days.
tip five:
time to leave
It's been fun hanging with your wires friends that you hardly know, but it's been nice...mostly.
Time to leave, Im behind on my work, haven't had my car for four days, you brought for the fridge the cheapest beer going with some awful clear-skin wine....if ya 16 year old daughter looks at me again with those cutesy eyes asking if 'I like her new cozy' Im gonna throw up...so
1. I'm making curry for dinner and when I poo, I'm gonna leave the door ajar...
That should about do it.
hahahahaha - we like it Sal (there's no class act done in shaggin' the little scamp is there?)
I always place a wish for "flyvision cam" in santa's stocking on the mantlepiece .... be great to see 128 x 2 views of cossie coated spadge! ....;~)
Helpful Hint 6: To rid theeself of unwanted guests (such like M-I-L's & West Coast Smeagle supporters) - fill yer fridge full of those rancid EMU EXPORT tinnies and offer freely .... they'll sod off faster than a rabbi being offered a Prime Pork Spare-rib.
If your immobile in hospital and on morphine... DO NOT eat a lot of food.
Sure you're gona feel sick, hungry and your wife is going to keep telling you need your strength... but don't.
Just eat a little fruit.
Let your body cannibalise itself for a couple days/weeks, because that food aint going anywhere, and when it finally goes, it's GOING TO HURT LIKE NOTHING you've ever felt before.
In fact chances are it's going to break your ass.
My wife went to the nearest Chinese and bought everything on the menu my 1st night in hospital 
I swear it was like she'd just come back from a Mayers January sale.
You can't mend your bones if you don't eat
I think I only ate 2 bites... but 10 days later it came out.
^^^
This is true!
I speak from experience. It is very unpleasant...
Grapes, grapes and more grapes - that's all you need.
Constipated and in a hurry? Stand up and sh!t in the shower, when you get penetration run to the dunny.
Constipated and have the day to yourself? relax with a dose of epsom salts dissolved in water, it will dissolve that bound turd, but you will be travelling to the dunny for the rest of the day.
For the record, I had never suffered constipation in my life up until I was 36 when I started taking Panadiene Forte. Had many many doses of Morphine before too but never the dreaded clog.
Go to Bali and drink the local water ,will bust the dam wall no problems at all.
The next morning after breakfeast you will look in the dunny and think "Did I just eat that banana pancake, or just drop it straight into the bowl??"
tip seven:
still trying to get the beggars to leave...
1. Suggest internet sites, to the kids, that have the first two letters of 'POrnhub, TUbe8 and those other spank sites in your search engine...
Select to expand quoteToots said...
...then a nurse came to bathe me, and I had to ask her whether the cold teaspoon was a joke or not, I still dont know ;()
My wife is a nurse... the cold spoon is no joke! Apparently it changes your 'mood' fairly quickly...
Some of the stories....
Hint 7.5 (sub-paragraph i) I have a dead-set fail proof cure for buttclog - Just holler and I'll send my ex-GF's mumsy (pure dragon) over to your house and it'll run like sump oil..... her hubby arthur will also send you a six-pack for providing him the opportunity to drink beer and fart inside her house whilst watching TV.
Hint 7.6 (sub-paragraph ii) The above-mentioned cure will also take care of any unwanted / overstaying guests (and probably any chance of anyone ever again visiting you)
awwww nah - i don't like this thread , don't want to know 'bout this coldish teaspoon thingy , geez old age isn't looking too flash now - this Pup hopes he pops off whilst on the nest ( well well before any backend clogment occurs! )
painful whimper howwwwwwwl to clogment.
