Don't open spray paint cans (even if empty and depressured) with an axe to remove ball bearings...
Don't hide beside the road and spray the windscreens of passing cars with your water pistol...
Never shoot your air riffle at your brother, even if it is only a chook pellet!
Do steal you dads ol' tinnies and open with a screw driver...
Never ever ever challenge a Malamute (Bloody big husky) to a race out the side gate.
He will win, gently nudge you into said gate for pleasure, then race around the front yard like a mad thing celebrating, breaking three expensive pots (+$100 each).
While I took down the side fence breaking both supporting posts, took a picket in the leg 12 stitches.
While lying on the ground try to work out how to extract said picket from leg, he wanders up and tongue baths me then pee's all over the other pickets not in embedded in my leg like he had done it before.
Then try explaining this to the other half (drive yourself to hospital, I did) and then the Dr (A mate) who gently describes the type of needle required for Tetanus and Distemper, in my bum.
Oh, I think Elmo and I am related
Just remembered one from when I was about 8..
No matter how stuck it is, do not use a bread and butter knife to lever the light plug out of the end of an extension cord when your Dad asks you to get the angle poise lamp from the workshop for him.
It goes bang, and then suddenly everyone in the house needs a light. And the knife has a chunk missing. Worse still is that the light you were using to see what you were doing has gone out too.. Yep, the same one that I was supposed to be unplugging.
Actually, I saw the knife the other day.. it's still around after 20 something years!
Back to Jord's original topic..
When vacuum bagging, ensure that the system stops sucking when it reaches the desired vacuum. Otherwise your new glass skinned glider wing may get very flat very fast.
And don't use Polyester resin over polystyrene wing cores. It just makes a sticky mess and never cures!
What a bunch of survivors. Of course Elmo owns this thread. It could have been called "How I Elmoed and survived". God what a record. If you followed him around with a camera you'd win the funniest home video every week.
Good luck with the rest of your life Elmo. May it be a long one although I don't see how... although you appear to be indestructible .
Don't try doing donuts in the Parry's car park using a 4 cyl LC Torana, You just go semi rapidly around in circles for all to see.
Don't try doing donuts in the Parry's car park using a 4 cyl LC Torana when the Police go driving past
Don't keep trying to do doing donuts in the Parry's car park using a 4 cyl LC Torana when the Police walk up the hill to have a chat.
Don't try doing donuts in the Parry's car park using a 4 cyl LC Torana, when you are dressed up in a Superchiken outfit.
Don't try to look to sheepish when to policemen piss themselves laughing at you.
Be grateful they laugh that much they say that nobody would believe the charge sheet and tell you f'koff home.
There are benefits to being a muppet
Never kick the back of a Slalom Fin while water starting as it acts like a knife and cuts straight through ya. Learnt this the hard way during a Slalom event a couple of weeks back.
It was a WAFTAM trying to race the old 4 pot LC, ye olde RX4 was a different matter.
Don't forget the old Talc pits at port beach made an excellent skid pad.
On the car front the funniest things I saw was in the carpark across the road from the Enter-tent (now all units), we were all parked bulsh1ting away as you do at that stage in life when one of the crew decides to arc up his car in a parking bay, classic brake burnout.
What he didn't know was that Mr Plod was cruising the carpark as he was doing it, he though we were all waving frantically and yelling to egg him on, this myth was soon dispelled when the policeman parked right in front of his car and waved to him.
The image of him lives with me to this day as he looking around happy as Larry showing of looks up to see the policeman in front of him, the look on his face as it dawns on him what has happened, he puts in the clutch and took his foot of the loud peddle and slumped forward with his head onto the steering wheel.
The policeman very casually walked up to his car to the applause, cheers and laughter all around and just tapped on his window, we all discretely left before the licky book came out.
Anyway I think I've impressed enough people with my Muppetness. A couple of things to note.
All my exploits were done without the excuse of alcohol or other mind altering substances.
The only person I ever injured (apart from myself) was my brother with the slingshot.
I broke my first bone in my mid 20's playing indoor soccer
I got my first stitches also in mid 20's from a work indecent.
Only ever lost my drivers license once (got a full set of points)
A true tale (well so my Mother says)
When a Hippo backs up to the Zoo enclosure fence and starts to rotate it,s tail wildly, don't wheel your 3 year old son's stroller up for a closer look. You risk offending all on the tram home due to the Hippo sh.t shower your child just had.
Oh deary, deary me
I really truly am a muppet, my ability to find new and creative ways of hurting myself is beyond measure.
Tonight my beloved asked in a shocked voice at the dinner table "OMG what did you do to your nose?" pointing to piece of flesh missing from my nose.
So I had to explain...
Packing up after the Oil and Gas expo tonight I was packing away a computer screen.
Part of the packing away is to remove the base from the screen pedestal.
Now a normal person would have the base on the table and lift the screen from the base,
But no Not I
With the screen standing upright on a table held in place with one arm I used the other hand to pull on the base.
The base was rather tightly fitted so I had had to apply some more force to the base, unfortunately this required me to be more over the top of the base.
A bit more force and the base came of, unfortunately my face was only about 8" away from it, kerpow kersplat, like a pie in the face, in front of everyone which gave them something to laugh at for the next hour or so whilst I bled.
My family at the dinner table reacted the same way.
So much amusement for so many people
Just another episode in Elmo's world
WOW . Im normal after all, Ive only done half this stuff. So heres mine
Always pull your head out of the siding door on the camper van BEFORE you slam it shut
If you have tied a long piece of fencing wire to the tail of a big diamond kite,be sure when you and your mates fly it over some large power lines, YOU dont be the one to be holding the string.
Stand back and watch the mate with the string,his expressoin will be priceless .
of course we talking about the days when kites had 1 string, and the red spots on the yellow boardies were blood stains from the exploding toenails
Always put your hand out in front when walking through glass doors to make sure the said door is open before you cane yourself on the closed door.
My other half thinks this is really funny having been the witness to the numerous collisions
Oh and the really sad thing the dogs only did it once
Never engage the polite policeman in conversation from the back seat of the car when the driver is receiving a caution from the front.
This generally escalates into a fine for the driver and 1 vs 4 big blokes scuffle, the others in the car.
Even if the polite policeman was a kiwi, I had the esky (Chilli-bin) next to me and all the others had quality ugg boots on. I was laughing so hard and basking in my own amusement that I developed bruising all over my body, so bad I couldn't play hockey the next day. 
Always repair a loose petrol tank on a motorbike asap to prevent a hole appearing.
Always repair a loose sparkplug lead on bike asap.
Likely consequences of disregarding these rules-
Hair caught fire, dropped bike, dragged burning bike into water filled ditch , grass caught fire, water caught fire. After it died down, removed most clothes and entered water to retrieve motorbike. Lifting bike made water catch fire again, lept out of ditch and explained to farmers wife in ute that everything was under control, thanks.
that in an automatic car, pushing the gear stick foward doesn't make you go forward!!
If you cant pull a worn trailer spring mounting rubber out with a set of pliers, then sticking your finger in wont help
and it hurts
